A Test Case for Practice: Ego & Career

One area in particular where my ego strongly dominates my life is in my career. I’m very concerned about what my job says about me. If it doesn’t convey the right image, then I’m dissatisfied with the job. However, the jobs that say the right thing (or so I think) have been incredibly unfulfilling, even miserable, to date. It is an awful situation. I’m constantly judging myself and I’m making projections about how others must view me. I’m not letting it just be. I’m not trusting in god’s will. Instead I’m manically over-managing my career to the point where I drain myself of useful energy and again wind up feeling unhappy. I’m either unhappy because the job doesn’t meet my ego’s needs or I’m unhappy because the job sucks—I can’t win.

I know what my perspective should be, but I’m scared to put my faith in it (i.e., put my faith in god). The right perspective is to not base my happiness at work on whether or not it fits my ego. I know decisions based on ego are fruitless, yet with the job it is very difficult to let go. I’m scared. I don’t want to be viewed as mediocre (again my ego; further, it is based on materialism rather than the quality of my person).

Every single time that I have put my faith in my higher power the situation has worked out beyond my wildest dreams. Why then am I still so resistant? The “Why?” doesn’t matter. It is a leap of faith that requires me to stop judging. The fact is that my job gives me everything I need except for the ego piece. I need to trust that once I break my ego’s stranglehold on my career one of two things will happen:

1. I will then be free to get the job that is fulfilling on all levels because of my willingness to learn a lesson I’ve been resisting.
   
2. I will discover that I actually really enjoy the job I’m in.

Now comes the work involved with spiritual practice: I will share my fears with friends and family. I will pray to be able to work without ego. I will meditate on the fact that the quality of my true self is not impacted by my career. I will stop judging myself and my job. I will let the negative thoughts pass rather than take hold. I will ask god for help and courage. I will trust.