Quiet Time

Clearly I’ve been on hiatus for a bit. I needed to just be quiet in many respects. In the last three months we got pregnant and lost the baby after two months, started a renovation with a contractor and completed it (though the final details and delays of the project were painful), and I started a new job. For most of it I was able to maintain a good spiritual condition, but my nerves were starting to fray. Negotiating a salary and terms with the contractor were incredibly draining especially with the anticipation of a new baby – as exciting as it was. Then we went in to see the baby’s heart beat only to learn that there was none and the baby stopped growing. Sure miscarriages are common, though I never heard people talk about how difficult they are to go through. For the first few days I focused on the spiritual principle of truly feeling the pain. “Leaning into the sharp edges,” as Pema Chodron would say. It worked, then unexpectedly I simply grew tired of feeling the feelings. I simply wanted the pain and difficult time to be over. I had enough. Soon after things fell apart with the contractor. Everything they “fixed” needed to be fixed again because of other problems that they created. I grew tired of poor quality work in the home we care about and the contractor grew tired of me. I did my best to practice love, patience, acceptance, and compassion. Again this grew tiresome. I definitely did not handle this last month as well as I would have liked. I didn’t feel very spiritual during this time because all of the meditating, praying, and acting with kindness took so much effort and it felt like work rather than being something I really enjoy. However, the truth is that I handled the last few months better than I ever would have before I started meditating and expanding my spiritual practice. I was calmer, less angry, and didn’t let the down times dominate my emotions. My wife and I still laughed a good amount during that time.

Now we’re on the other side. Just yesterday my wife got a healthy report from the doctor, the renovation came to an end and I’m settling into the new job. To be a bit dramatic, I feel like a survivor. It was hard to deal with all of my challenging emotions, be supportive of my wife, and be a decent employee in a new role. It is worth noting that throughout these last few months there were many clear indications that a higher power was looking out for me and my family with small coincidences and events that just happened to be exactly what was needed.

The old adage is true: This too shall pass. Funny how in the moment difficult times feels like they are going to last forever. I guess it just proves that feelings are not facts.

I wish you much peace and abundant love.