Quieting the Ego

I’ve been trying to practice the idea that being fully aware of our current reality is what it means to be “awake” or “enlightened.” Adyashanti says that being awake does not mean we become superheroes, it simply means that we see things for what they are. For me to see things as they are I need to stop my internal dialogue. Meditation is helping me to see that my mind is always processing, judging, and analyzing. I’m always trying to figure out who is better than whom, what is better than what, can things be better, if so how? Meditation and Eastern religions say that all of this is pointless. All it does is put up barriers between us and our spirituality, and us and others. As a Westerner, this goes against everything I know and have strived for all of my life. I thought the point of it all was to gain knowledge so I can figure out the right answer. It is impossible to conceive that we can get the truest “right answer” and do so more quickly by not trying to find it. By not trying to find solutions, by stopping the internal dialogue, there is enough silence for the right answer to be heard.

This changes everything. I’m resistant. How odd to be resistant to something that is better, easier, and more joyful? My ego wants me to believe that only my mind can find the real truth, the real truth for me. Perhaps I talk to other people and read some books, and if my ego wants to give me a sense that I’m “turning things over” it allows me to say a prayer to ask for guidance, then the ego goes back to work. In the end I want to be able to say, “Look at what I did.”

Many years ago I was interning for a Member of Congress writing responses to constituent letters. Everything was tracked and recorded very carefully, so when I accidentally misplaced a constituent letter and could not find it I became very nervous about the repercussions. Being a relatively honest person I told the Legislative Assistant (LA) I was helping what happened, ready to suffer the consequences. Her response was bewildering, “Stop looking for it and the letter will turn-up.” I knew the letter was lost, I looked absolutely everywhere for it, and thought of every possible place it could be. I wrote the LA off as mildly whacko and went about my work at peace knowing I had come clean. Not a half hour into my work did I notice in clear view on my desk was the letter I had lost. My sense at the time was that I just witnessed magic because I looked in that spot previously. However, once my ego was off the project, the great potentiality of the universe was able to intervene and take care of me. Even though I’ve had many similar experiences (too involved for a blog), I (my ego) still resist not trying to force solutions. My current spiritual challenge is quieting the ego.