Apologizing without the Justification

The meditation instructor at a weekly class I attend apologized for a story she told the week prior that involved racist stereotypes associated with African Americans. The story did seem to go off in an uncomfortable direction initially, but in the end had a very positive message that highlights how our preconceived ideas put up barriers between us and other good people.

Some African Americans told the instructor after the class how the story made them feel and pointed out aspects of the story that were hurtful in ways that wouldn’t be obvious to non-blacks. During this week’s apology the instructor took full responsibility for the story and expressed sorrow for not seeing how the story could hurt others. The powerful aspect of the apology was that she didn’t try to justify her reason for telling the story, which seemed to come from a loving place. I know I would have said something like, “What I intended the story to communicate was…” I would have indicated what I wanted to achieve with the story and make it clear that I did not intend for it to make anybody feel uncomfortable.

The instructor helped me to see that the justification and explanation of the story’s larger purpose is wholly irrelevant. Harm was done and that’s all that mattered. To apologize fully and genuinely, in a way that is sincere, required complete ownership of the mistake without the rationalization. The rationalization only serves to make us feel better, it appeases the ego, and it is so common in society that even with the justification people would have accepted the apology without a second thought. However, the instructor’s approach to the apology was so much more powerful and redeeming. As I try to envision myself apologizing without justification I feel tension inside. Doing so will not be easy, but it is a better way to live my life.