Today I Surrender to My Brighter Nature

“Today I surrender to my brighter nature.”

--Marianne Williamson quoting Uma Thurman (whose father is an ordained Buddhist monk)

Today I am trying to surrender to my brighter, positive nature. My spiritual reaction to not making the job cut has been remarkably negative (even though all those on the list have been rejected in order to reissue the posting for me to get on). My statement yesterday that I’m feeling 96% normal fell later in the day to about the 60-65% range. The idea that best captures what I’m experiencing is a “spiritual illness” that spread through me. This has occurred at others that I’ve delved deeply into spirituality. Despite deeper faith and practice, life seems to get harder and more tumultuous with my spiritual endeavors. The experience is made worse by my expectation that life will get easier.

What has been highlighted for me even further in all of this is my own negativity. I am becoming increasingly aware of how deeply embedded negativity is within me, though I’ve become good at masking it. Another lesson is that while I can come close to accepting what happens in the world around me, I have not been accepting my own feelings and reactions in response to those occurrences. A third lesson is that even though I’ve been trying to practice acceptance, I am not relinquishing my attachment to the outcome of events (a core part of acceptance). In fact, I’ve been surprised to see how attached I become to the outcomes I want. And I don’t let them go easily despite knowing intellectually that it will work out for the best.

I’m confident that the current spiritual challenges are part of a growth process. And sometimes there are growing pains. Regardless, today I surrender to my brighter nature.