Enjoying the Wonders of Life

I'm off to Bermuda until Monday, July 10. The time will be spent with 23 family members. Amazing. Challenging? Regardless, I'm filled with gratitude and excitement. I'll post again when I return.

Many blessings,
Dave

The Trees are Blocking the Forest

I hired a software developer to help me create the spiritually-inspired business I mentioned in a previous post. He introduced himself to me at just the right time, he was able to execute the project with relative ease, and is doing so remarkably fast. At launch, the project will be far and above my greatest expectations. Yet, what do I do? Rather than focusing on all of the outstanding work and added features he has brought to the project, I focus on the few little things he isn’t doing as well as I would like.

On the basis that this person is delivering quality work at 109% effort, the only thing I was seeing for a few days was the missing 1% that would bring the project up to a 110% effort. What’s worse is that I was honing in so closely on the missing 1% that everything else was irrelevant—the 109% could not be seen. Then, my false perception of reality started to be reflected in my communications with the developer (who is not only talented, but is also a good-spirited, nice guy) and I was having doubts about working with this person in the future.

Fortunately, the halting of my thoughts through meditation allowed for the whisper of the universe to be heard. Once again, the problem was not the other person, it was me and my own thinking. I’ve since changed my perspective and the tone of my communications allowing for my relationship with the developer to be positive, joyful, and even more productive. Even though it is hard to witness my flaws, the resulting transformation enriches life beyond what I ever thought possible.

Remaining Detached

In my June 25, 2006 post below I wrote about an awakening I had about my own flaws with at a veterinarian appointment. The awakening came about after being initially disappointed that my prayers and meditation didn’t allow me to act in an appropriate manner. This morning I realized that the disappointment related to my attachment to the outcome. I had not practiced the spiritual concept of being detached from the results of circumstances. I gently offered my intentions for the experience to the universe during my meditations, yet I had a very specific outcome in mind. I didn’t turn the experience entirely over to my higher power.

I was attached to the idea that by praying and meditating before entering a potentially difficult situation I would act in a way that didn’t make the situation so challenging. Then I was surprised when I had more difficulty than normal. It was frustrating. Only after the experience, a little more time, and additional prayer and meditation did the awakening come. The awakening did not come via the path I had been attached to in my mind. And, as would be expected in spiritual matters, the way of the higher power was far better and more profound than my way.

Today I must remember that I can work, pray, meditate, read, and practice, but I must remain detached from the outcome. Only by remaining detached do I remain open to the caring grace of a higher power and avoid unnecessary suffering. Even though my ego likes to think I know what’s best, it only keeps me from a richer life.

Guest Post: The Whale

A wonderful person forwarded me this touching email that exemplifies the idea of the universal spirit shared by all creatures:

The December 15, 2005 SF Chronicle cover story was about a female humpback whale who had become entangled in a spider web of crab traps and lines.

She was weighted down by hundreds of pounds of traps that caused her to struggle to stay afloat. She also had hundreds of yards of line rope wrapped around her body, her tail, her torso, a line tugging in her mouth. A fisherman spotted her just east of the Farralone Islands (outside the Golden Gate) and radioed an environmental group for help.

Within a few hours, the rescue team arrived and determined that she was so bad off, the only way to save her was to dive in and untangle her...a very dangerous proposition. One slap of the tail could kill a rescuer. They worked for hours with curved knives and eventually freed her.

When she was free, the divers say she swam in what seemed like joyous circles. She then came back to each and every diver, one at a time, and nudged them, pushed gently around--she thanked them. Some said it was the most incredibly beautiful experience of their lives.

The guy who cut the rope out of her mouth says her eye was following him the whole time, and he will never be the same.

May you, and all those you love, be so blessed and fortunate…to be surrounded by people who will help you get untangled from the things that are binding you.

And, may you always know the joy of giving and receiving gratitude.

Don’t Push My Buttons

Are there people in your life who know exactly how to push your buttons? They can instantly get you angry, annoyed, frustrated, etc. by barely even trying. Sometimes it is as though they take pleasure in driving us crazy.

We try to hide those buttons or pretend they don’t exist, but they’re always found again. However, there is a solution: Rewire those buttons. If the person (let’s say your spouse) says something that would normally really get you, rather than reacting as you always do when that button is pushed make a decision that the button is rewired to get the new result of your spouse getting a gentle kiss on the cheek. If there is a button that results in you getting embarrassed, rewire it so that the new outcome is a hug for the person who pushed it. If someone at work always knows exactly how to get you, rewire that button with a response of, “I’m getting a cup of coffee, may I get you one too?”

We ultimately choose how we’re wired and we choose whether or not we’re going to keep the wiring as it has always been. If there is someone in our life who takes sick pleasure in pressing those negative buttons, we need to acknowledge the fact that we make a choice to let those buttons activate the same response time and time again. We can stop allowing those buttons to operate any time we’re ready.

A Difficult Day

Yesterday was challenging for me. Although initially seeming as though I failed spiritually, I learned a valuable lesson and received clarity that I now see was desperately needed.

I had an appointment with a veterinarian who has bugged for the two years we’ve had our dog. It seems every time we visit the vet he says we need to buy medicine or services that weren’t expected. In anticipation of yesterday’s visit, my wife and I decided that we needed to be better with our boundaries. I prayed and meditated beforehand, and in the moment silently wished the vet love, laughter, happiness & joy as well as acknowledged that the divinity in me recognizes the divinity in him. All that practice left me at the first mention of services and medicine we didn’t want. The best I could do was use appropriate words, but my attitude and demeanor were off. My wife said I seemed very angry. I left the vet feeling as though my spirit was poisoned. It felt awful and I knew I did the poisoning.

I was disappointed that the prayer and meditation didn’t work as I had expected. My fears and insecurities presented themselves in the vet’s office (I’m not good at setting boundaries with humor or peace, only an angry tone and facial expression). I prayed and meditated again after the appointment. This is when I received the gift of clarity. Here’s what I learned:

• I don’t know how to stand-up for myself/family without using an element of anger
• I was actually projecting onto the vet my frustration that my dog has more health problems than I like
• The real cost difference between what I ever expect to pay and actually pay is no more than $20
• The vet is only attempting to take really good care of our dog
• I’m really bad in situations where I expect to pay one price and have to pay another (i.e., I’m attached to money in an unhealthy way)

What this boils down to is that the vet isn’t the real problem. The real problem is me and all of the different aspects of my personality that I was denying (or asleep to). Yesterday was hard because I had an awakening and it wasn’t to a beautiful sight. Such is the spiritual journey. However, now I have an awareness that I didn’t have before to an issue that is having a negative karmic affect in my life (i.e., I repeat this same story in different ways throughout my life). With this insight, and some effort, perhaps I can move on to the next life.

Spiritual growth is hard. The rewards of doing so are great.

Don’t Believe the Hype

The stories we tell ourselves about who and what we are become powerful forces in our lives. True or false, we believe them. They either keep us in bondage or empower us to achieve our dreams. The irony is that we can have dreams, know in our core we can make them reality, but we let the negative stories about ourselves (e.g., that can never happen to m; I don’t know how; I’m not smart enough; I’ve been told I can’t do it by someone I respect) to overpower our dream.

At some point an idea was put in our head that holds us back and, for some reason, most of us continue to believe that idea (I’m not lovable; I don’t deserve better; this is the best I can do).

Perhaps when that first negative idea was planted it was true, or at least served to protect us. But years pass, we grow and evolve though the negative stories remain unchanged. Our spiritual challenge is to identify the stories that are holding us back and learn that they are not fact unless we allow them to be. We much change the ending to the stories: Maybe at one time I was not capable/deserving/blessed/knowledgeable; today I am.

A New Perspective on Karma

I never felt thinking about past lives and karma was worth the time. If I was doing the best in this life, then karma – regardless of whether or not it is real - was irrelevant. However, I’m discovering a concept of karma that relates directly to the life I’m living now. When I think of “past lives” as previous actions and experiences within this life, it is possible to apply the ideas of karma. For example, why have I been repeatedly let down by people? What have I done earlier in my current life to be continually disappointed? Upon reflection I see that I keep making the same mistake over and over, which is forcing me to continually relive the same experience of being let down by different people in different situations. I haven’t learned the lesson required for me to move on to my “next life” (i.e., a future where people do not let me down as often). In order for me to move on to my next life, I need to learn that I tend to impose unrealistic expectations on people. Since these expectations are only achievable under ideal circumstances it is no wonder why I’ve been disappointed over and over. I set situations up in a way that makes disappointment the only possible outcome. If I don’t learn this karmic lesson, then I’m doomed to repeat it until I do.

When I keep repeating unhealthy behaviors now, I will continue to have that feeling of being stuck. I’ll experience the same recurring negative experiences throughout the rest of my life. Unhealthy relationships will remain unhealthy. My career will plateau. I will not enjoy the richness and adventure of life that comes with continual growth. Growing in a positive direction is simply the karmic principle of learning necessary lessons so that we can go on to an even better life.

The Power of Silent Thoughts

In meditation communities people often say, Namaste, to one another. The word implies, The divinity in me recognizes the divinity in you. I’ve been practicing saying this in my mind whenever I encounter someone. Similar to silently offering people Love, Laughter, Happiness and Joy, it transforms my immediate attitude towards others. More importantly, it is a reminder that there is an embryo of god/universe/spirit in me and there is an embryo of god/universe/spirit in each person, place or thing. It is a reminder that we are all connected and all one when our egos are not putting up barriers.

I think there are two types of people in the world: Those with hearts initially open to all others and those with hearts initially closed to all others. My heart tends to be closed to others for various fear related (i.e., ego based) reasons. This puts barriers between me and others thus cutting me off from the true richness and wonder of life. Practicing Namaste breaks down those barriers and has allowed me to have wonderful moments that otherwise would have been missed. It is sort of sad to think of how much I’ve missed out on because of my fear, but better to be awakened to it now and to be changing.

Dealing with Hurtful People

Two people I see regularly have been getting under my skin, which triggers all sorts of negative thoughts and conversations that take place in mind. I’m aware that I’m getting irritated with these people and try to practice acceptance, ego-removal (do I really know what’s best?!), non-judgment, and compassion. Yet I become angry at myself when I see I’m still giving these people a tremendous amount of energy. What it boils down to is that I can practice spirituality in many ways, but with certain people chords are struck that resonate uncomfortably. After being disappointed that many spiritual books and people tend not to address this element of relationships I finally received my answer yesterday:

No matter how spiritual we become we are always going to experience human emotions such as anger, fear, loneliness, sadness, joy, shame, and guilt. However, we do not have to suffer in these emotions. When I’m trying to deny, resist, or avoid the emotions I not only experience the emotions, but I then also suffer from the additional feelings I place on top of them.

The solution is to simply accept the emotions. When those people tick me off, I need to be fully present and aware of the resulting emotions. Denying them only prolongs the emotion and adds in unnecessary turmoil and personal judgment (i.e., suffering).

The additional piece of all this is kindness. Not to them (yet), but to myself first. I need to allow the emotions I feel around an issue to be okay. Once I accept the emotion and allow my feelings to be as they are, only then is there enough room to genuinely show kindness to others. Then, I can practice acceptance, ego-removal, non-judgment, and compassion. I cannot be these things to others if I’m not this way with my “self.”

Benefits of Meditation

I’ve been meditating twice a day, everyday since April 30 and usually three times on Wednesdays because of my meditation class for an average of about 15 minutes in each sitting. Normally I sit in silence (well, suburban silence anyway) and try to clear my mind of all thoughts. The results in this short time have been powerful. Now I’m changing the meditation process a bit by introducing mantras (Sanskrit sayings without meaning) and sutras (Sanskrit sayings with meaning), then repeating them over and over in my mind. In the few days I’ve been doing this my meditations have become deeper and more focused.

Here are the benefits I currently am experiencing as a result of mediation:

• More relaxed
• Less anxious
• More joyful moments
• Good conversations with people I thought I didn’t like and didn’t like me
• Better communication with my spouse
• There seems to be more time in the day
• Got a great business idea that came from nowhere (it’s almost ready to launch)
• A great people materialized to help me with the business project
• Less need to influence things I don’t like
• A deeper sense of being whole
• Fulfillment
• A clearer understanding of life
• A more optimistic outlook
• A more profound spirituality

I can keep going, but I’ll end it here. Have a good day.

The Lesson from Nick Lachey

I'm developing a stronger faith in the idea that we just need to stay true to ourselves and that we can achieve our dreams as long as we keep our minds open to unexpected opportunities and don't try to force solutions.

I was watching Behind the Music featuring Nick Lachey and learned that after going out to California to pursue music he gave up and returned to Ohio to go into sports medicine. While there he received a phone call from a friend in LA who was putting together a band and asked Nick to join. That band was 98 Degrees. It was almost like Nick had given up on his dream, but his dream hadn't given up on him. By the time Nick had given up he had already done all of the work necessary to reach the top of the mountain, he just didn't realize it when he had first returned to Ohio.

This is a long way of illustrating that if we keep doing what you enjoy there will be many gifts that come from it. We just can't have our egos attached to the outcome. When Nick went back to Ohio, his ego didn't need the music career any longer. Once he was detached, he achieved his dream.

Stopping the Internal Dialogue

My internal dialogue (aka, ego) is always running, it's always analyzing. If feels good on some level because it seems when interacting with others I can make the necessary adjustments to what I'm saying or how I'm acting in order to feel good about myself. "Oh man, what I just said was stupid." "Okay, I'm handling this well." "I don't need to pay attention to this person because they're a [fill in the blank]." "Make sure people walk away thinking that I really know what I'm talking about."

Up until recently I believed such thoughts helped me be the person I want to be. I thought they helped me respond to situations accordingly and to portray the image I want conveyed. I thought it was part of taking a personal inventory, so I can be a better person. Hence, I believed my internal dialogue was an asset.

But, I recently became very aware that most of my internal dialogue is negative. I'm either thinking negative thoughts about me or I'm thinking negative thoughts about other people. I realize that it is hard to be joyful in life when I have so many negative thoughts running through my mind. Further, my negative thoughts about myself are not accurate and my negative thoughts about others are really just defense mechanisms--when I get right down to it. And since the thoughts are essentially meaningless anyway, all of those negative thoughts are a HUGE waste of energy. Not to mention that other thoughts are unable to enter my mind when I'm on some rant about me or someone else in my own head.

Without the internal dialogue (I say this in relative terms, not absolutes - I still have negative thoughts, but I'm aware of them and can turn them off more easily), I find I'm more creative. Things just come to me now. For example, the thought for a new business venture came during a period of no internal dialogue. And my memory is a little better because I don't have to cut through the weeds of my negative thinking to recall bits of information.

The other side of this is that I am replacing negative thoughts with positive thoughts. For instance, whenever I see or speak to someone in my mind I think, "I wish you love, laughter, happiness, and joy." Doing so automatically changes my demeanor while reducing anxiety and has resulted in some truly amazing interactions. Plus, it is hard to have negative judgments about someone right after wishing them good things.

I've been blown away by the benefits that come from stopping the internal dialogue and wishing others love, laughter, happiness, and joy.

Apologizing without the Justification

The meditation instructor at a weekly class I attend apologized for a story she told the week prior that involved racist stereotypes associated with African Americans. The story did seem to go off in an uncomfortable direction initially, but in the end had a very positive message that highlights how our preconceived ideas put up barriers between us and other good people.

Some African Americans told the instructor after the class how the story made them feel and pointed out aspects of the story that were hurtful in ways that wouldn’t be obvious to non-blacks. During this week’s apology the instructor took full responsibility for the story and expressed sorrow for not seeing how the story could hurt others. The powerful aspect of the apology was that she didn’t try to justify her reason for telling the story, which seemed to come from a loving place. I know I would have said something like, “What I intended the story to communicate was…” I would have indicated what I wanted to achieve with the story and make it clear that I did not intend for it to make anybody feel uncomfortable.

The instructor helped me to see that the justification and explanation of the story’s larger purpose is wholly irrelevant. Harm was done and that’s all that mattered. To apologize fully and genuinely, in a way that is sincere, required complete ownership of the mistake without the rationalization. The rationalization only serves to make us feel better, it appeases the ego, and it is so common in society that even with the justification people would have accepted the apology without a second thought. However, the instructor’s approach to the apology was so much more powerful and redeeming. As I try to envision myself apologizing without justification I feel tension inside. Doing so will not be easy, but it is a better way to live my life.

God is Only in the Present Moment

God only exists in the present moment. We can’t live a spiritual life if our mind (i.e., our ego) is always thinking about future expectations or the past experiences. God is not in the past or the future. The only way we can connect with a higher power - and reap the benefits - is to be mindful of the present moment.

An Aspect of Meditation

Part of how I use meditation is to connect with the larger universe and all things in the universe. Basically to sit with my higher power. Sometimes I also envision sitting with relatives who have passed away, Jesus, Buddha, Muhammad, etc. I try to clear my mind and feel connected to their energies and know that if I'm mindful of their presence in all of my actions, then things will be just fine.

The feeling that results is powerful. It's not that I believe the spirits are in the room with me, but more that my spirit has a faint link to their spirits. There is a tremendous peace, joy, and empowerment in the moment.

Awake, Not Awake, Awake...It's a Practice

At this week’s meditation class I learned that our practice is about "awakening" over and over. We will constantly have awareness and lose awareness. We practice to help ensure that we don't retreat into an excessive state of no awareness. Therefore, we should not judge ourselves negatively when we realize moments of not been living in an awakened state of mind.

Although awareness can sometimes be painful in the short term it yields real benefits over the long term. Fortunately, we get little glimpses of the goodness available to us in every single moment. This is where faith comes in. We need to have faith that everything is happening for a reason and will serve us well regardless of whether or not we can see the light at the end of the tunnel. The challenge is to find peace in the present, in the middle of the apparent chaos, and trust. Once we do we can actually enjoy the moment.

Guest Post: Discovering Buddha's Words

A great person and friend emailed the following insight:

I didn’t realize there were actual, transcribed, teachings of the Buddha. Here are allegedly some of his words. I’ve heard this idea in other forms but for some reason, it hit me in this form. From the excerpts I’ve read, if it really is he, the Buddha’s voice is pleasing to hear.

Below he talks of two extremes---self-indulgence and self-mortification----that later, are supplanted by the idea of a “middle way.”

"There are two extremes, O bhikkhus, which the man who has given up the world ought not to follow-the habitual practice, on the one hand, of self-indulgence which is unworthy, vain and fit only for the worldly-minded and the habitual practice, on the other hand, of self-mortification, which is painful, useless and unprofitable.”

I don’t know about you, but self-indulgence (material ambition, greed, smoking, overeating) and self-mortification (beating myself up constantly; being suspicious and resentful of others in a way that eats me alive; exploring terror and anxiety) are the two extremes between which I find myself often stretched.

Greed is interesting. I never would have thought of myself as having it (likewise what I called “material ambition”). But I realize how much airspace is devoted, in my mind, to thinking about what I want to get and have. Or obsessing about, for example, the scratch in my car that makes it look less new; pants that don’t fit; what people think of what my hair looks like; having to have the right pair of sunglasses. All of these, by the way, relate directly to how others see me. I don’t even try to hide it.

I’m not going to go around quoting Buddha. But I dug this, and other readings. Here’s some more of Buddha's words:

http://acc6.its.brooklyn.cuny.edu/~phalsall/texts/bud-ser.html